How Privileged Are You? (Authentic version)

 

Rajesh Rajamani

 

 

Has a know-it-all ISJW (Internet Social Justice Warrior) asked you to check your privilege? Did you misunderstand the statement and check the online dictionary to verify if the word is spelled as ‘privilege’ or ‘privelige’? Have you wondered why someone tagged you in a social media post that said: “When You’re Accustomed to Privilege, Equality Feels Like Oppression”? Or in spite of your busy schedule, have you self-reflected in a moment of weakness and pondered over how privileged you might be?

 

Worry not! We bring to you the most (more or less) accurate scientific questionnaire that could easily help you identify your level of privilege.

 

1. I could not join ‘The Doon School’ because I submitted the application form two days after the deadline. Sigh!

2. I engage in friendly chit chat with Uber drivers. But in spite of it, my cumulative rating on the app is less than 5. I mean, why me?

3. YouTube videos buffer intermittently even though I am willing to compromise and lower the video resolution to 720p.

4. I have visited London thrice, but I am unable to fake the British accent.

5. I sometimes feel bad that Maruti Suzuki Alto gives a better mileage than my SUV. Hello, I paid more for my SUV!

6. I have felt marginalized when my Tinder matches were consistently zero during the time I was backpacking through Europe.

7. This particular good-looking person has unfairly kept my friend request pending for more than 3 years.

8. The coffee machine at my workplace stopped functioning just when I was about to have my 5th cup on a difficult Monday.

9. Occasionally, I feel bad when I realize that I might be more talented but less popular than Justin Bieber.

10. For a long time, I believed that caste is an object made by shaping molten metal or similar material in a mould.

11.  My cook cannot make fluffy or round rotis. Seriously, how is she even a cook?

12. I couldn’t get admission into an Indian university. So my folks had to sell a part of our ancestral land and send me to Melbourne for higher education.

13. I am punished in the form of reservations for the mistakes my forefathers committed.

14. My partner dumped me even though I paid for most of the meals we had together.

15. The only Tinder match in my area refused to reply to my messages.

16. Even my mom thinks I am only okay looking.

17. In the flight to Paris, the air-hostess claimed that my favorite brand of beer is out of stock. I was given apple juice instead.

18. My air-conditioner’s remote control does not function from all angles.

19. I am a man. But I wish I was Batman.

20. I was once made fun of the Halloween costume I wore to an office theme party. I was later told that the theme was Hawaiian and not Halloween. But still.

21. I can cook (Maggi. But I must confess that it is not easy to measure 210 ml accurately without a laboratory beaker).

22. I do domestic tasks (watching TV, taking a shower or relaxing on my bean bag) at home.

23. I expect my spouse to raise my children. But then, no one is willing to date me. So am not sure where the spouse and children are going to come from.

24. I trust law enforcement. There is nothing that an appropriate amount of bribe cannot do.

25. I cannot sing. That qualifies as a disability, right?

26. I have failed in the Mathematics paper in college. But then, I also smoked a lot of weed during that semester.  

27. My phone battery drains in 6 hours. Do you know how annoying that can be?

28. I am not free to eat whatever I want. My mom only allows me to eat one pack of potato chips per day.

29. I am not completely free to live everywhere. Because my landlord in Colaba has warned that I might have to vacate the flat if I continue to play loud music on Saturday evenings.

30. I was not bullied as a child. But my boss at work bullies me during yearly appraisals.

31. My parents are not going to pay or ask for dowry when I marry. Because as per our family customs, we call it ‘Dahej’ and not dowry.

32. Though I can access therapy for my mental health, my therapist would only talk for 45 minutes. However, I am charged for an hour.

33. I have purchased from Amazon’s international store. But their delivery takes painfully forever.

34. I sometimes had to dine at McDonalds’ because of insufficient pocket money.

35. I could go on my first date only when I was 23.

36. I am not the sole earner in the family. To be accurate, I am not even an earner.

37. I have had to skip meals at times. Since I was binge watching ‘Friends’ for the 33rd time.  

38. Heineken beers get me high only after the 4th bottle.

39. I was oblivious to caste system as a child. Oh! But what the heck, I am even oblivious to it as an adult.

40. A few of my favorite restaurants cancel my Swiggy orders without clearly stating the reason.

41. I have had to wait for too long to get a table at most south Mumbai restaurants.

42. When I was younger, I truly believed that watching the Tom Hanks’ movie ‘Cast Away’ would make me casteless.

43. I have mostly had access to uninterrupted electricity. But the generator has run out of diesel a few times.

44. I was once not allowed to access a lounge in an international airport even though I had an American Express Platinum card. They curtly said that I had already used up the lounge access limit for the quarter.

45. I have had a tough time finding parking space in Indira Nagar, Bangalore.

46. I am a man and I was told that men can’t have multiple orgasms.

47. The waiting area at my nearest clinic only has three-week-old magazines.

48. No one thinks that I look attractive on my Aadhar card photo.

49. I sometimes have had to sit on the middle seat on a flight. You know how bad it can be, right?

50. I have run out of toilet paper.

 Irrespective of your responses to the above questions, feel free to choose one of the following categories of privilege you fall under. Because you see, we are what we believe to be.

1. Might be privileged

2. I wish I was privileged

3. Under privileged

4. Under underprivileged

5. Privilege matlab kya hai?  

~~~

Rajesh Rajamani wonders if readers believe everything that an ‘author’s bio’ claims. He also writes a web-comic series called ‘Inedible India’. He is currently based out of Bangalore.