Dhamma Darshan Nigam
Parminder came in contact with me when I organised a writing workshop in 2019, which she wanted to attend but could not. I had then created a WhatsApp group to share information about the workshop. Over the next year, almost everyone had left the group, but she remained there in the group. Since then, we kept talking about Ambedkarism and Dalit politics from time to time. She was a rationalist, atheist, well-read, very humble, very sorted, very active, and always eager to learn more about Ambedkarite politics and human life. And for the last one year or so, apart from Dalit politics and ideological things, we had started talking about other general things and life as well. Since then our friendship also became so good.
She was just 43 years old, took her last breath on 31st July. I got to know about her passing on 6th August, when I replied on her WhatsApp status, and got a reply from her brother. I was left numb for some time. I checked when was the last time I had talked to her – it was17th June. I felt bad for myself, why did not I talk to her even once in one and a half months, why did I leave such a long gap, while I knew that she was not well. I felt, we know life is already unpredictable, then why do we start behaving unexpectedly. If we know somebody and consider them good friend, we can take a few efforts to be in touch with them, and keep talking to them. Otherwise the pain of not being able to say a final goodbye, a final handshake, a final hug lasts forever.
As much as I know her in such a short period, I can say that she lived her life in such a way that everyone who knew her would always remember her as an inspiration. Sometimes the short-lived waves are so charismatic that they leave a profound impact on our lives, always giving us a new hope, even after they have merged into the ocean. She was so lively all the time, like a fresh energy. And about energy it is said that energy never dies, it changes from one form to another.
She was a mature human being. Her approach to life was very practical. She had quoted Osho a lot of times. January 2024, very casually she shared that she is diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndromes (MDS), Severe Anaemia. And the treatment will take at least 6 months. At that time I had not realised then that she is going to live just for six more months. She said, “Osho helped me a lot, to get out of mayajaal”. Maybe, she knew that this is going to happen soon, but she never made it apparent, like this was not a matter of concern for her. Now I feel what did she mean by saying “to get out of mayajaal”. And stupid me was sharing my worry with the irritation I was having in my stomach due to gastritis. She was an Osho fan, I think. Once talking about casteist and sexist Indian comics, she said better than these comics are Osho’s Mulla Nasruddin jokes. One other time talking about overthinking, she said Osho’s philosophy of ‘Witnessing Yourself’ is quite effective in limiting overthinking.
When talking about higher education during October 2023, she said that she is an Engineering Graduate, working as Software Engineer, and not interested in doing MTech. She wanted to become Flying Officer in Air Force, but that could not happen. And that she was doing Masters in Psychology in 2017, cleared all her written and practical exams, but she was not able to do internship and project submission, which she wanted to restart from January. She wanted to do research on behavioral causes, but felt she might not get scholarship at that age. She said, “PhD is the best option rather than others regular stuff eating and surviving”, and also that “now I know, what a bad condition the lecturers have created for the humanities”.
October 2023, she said, “the world is moving towards bloodbath”, and “the number of people liking bloodbath is increasing day by day”. She asked me to read Sapiens of Harari a few times, saying that “we will get answers of all the stories that we keep weaving around us”. She suggested me one more book to read, Early Indians by Tony Joseph.
March 2024, once I told her that girls are very mature, and they know when to take what decision, and she replied “girls are themselves dependent, they are not mentally free, and I feel it is impossible for them to take stand for themselves” … “They are not mature, they never take stand”, and she further told me that “you do not know the extent of mental slavery among these women, especially in India”. She added, you will get to know more about this after reading Why Women are Enslaved “by my dear Periyar daadu”. I feel, what was good about this conversation was that after I said ‘it is we men only who always cause the problem’, she replied with, how women are equally responsible, and part of the same society. She was not blaming men only, and that she never liked male attitude, “they are either dominant, or submissive” . Once she said “The more strongly women resist, the more something is going to happen”.
Once about something when I said that ‘samay ki apnimarjihotihai’ (time has its own will), she said, “samay ki marji nahin, hamare nazariye ka hi jaduhai sara” (It is not the will of time, it is the magic of our perspective).
She was big fan of podcasts. She used to listen to young Ambedkarites a lot, some time share. November 2023, she said that “I never met in person any Ambedkarite”. She had great expectations from young Ambedkarites. She said “I love the spirit of Ambedkarite people on the ground.” And that “Periyar -cum- Ambedkar style people required”.
She was the only person used to reply on the jokes I used to share on my WhatsApp status, and I was thinking since a few days that she is not replying to my WhatsApp statuses. I should ask about her.
March 2024, I asked her if we can meet sometime. She said her treatment is going to start, and should be completely fine in next two to three months, then she will meet. Same month, she said she want to make a library, and that it should be accessible to all. She said, I will leave this world after making arrangements for my books. She was teaching kids in poor settlements every Saturday, Sunday since 2010 in Gurgaon.
February 2024, she asked me about the crowd funding process to raise the money for her treatment, and I connected her with a friend of mine. She shared that, she has donated a lot to random people, and in future also she wanted to do it. She was so sure she will survive. She was so serious about life. She was trying everything to get best treatment. She wanted to live more. Once, when I jokingly said that I have stopped counting my age after I crossed thirty, she said, “I keep track of my age, and because we have chosen a different life for ourselves, so it is very important to stay alert. We are following ourselves, not set patterns, and for that we need to take care of ourselves, and keep ourselves mentally, and physically healthy. And it is even more difficult for women”. I counted my age and said I will be 38 this November. She said, okay, Junior.
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Dhamma Darshan Nigam is an activist and a writer. He can be contacted at: ddnigam@gmail.com
