I was born in a Turk* home because I was a kismetwali, they said,
as if I had grabbed an unattainable good fortune
and from that moment, as my folks had decided,
I had become a real Muslim
—
How low should one bow to each relative
Who should not see you
Why one should stick one's head inside the pallu..
Meaningless rasmo-rivaaj and a half-learnt language:
I became a rolled paan caught between two jaws
but my folks had decided that
I had become an asli Turk girl
—
Though realizing that I am being sacrificed, when like a dumb animal
I go to some Walima or Gulposhi
Amidst the rustle and flashes of their zari and Urdu
My voice shrinks and shrivels
into a lonely cotton sari
An unseen feeling of helplessness
clasps my mouth like a bridle
I am spun around the hall, even as I stand still,
by the whirlwinds of their stares
blowing through the branches of their eyelids,
Does she or doesn't she– my knowledge of Urdu
is tested by a display of their own skill and aptitude
and as the results show in the smirks on their faces
my tears of embarassment, which can't dare break boundaries,
wallow within my eyes, exactly like me.
—
No one recognizes me as human,
looking at me as a heap of cleaned cotton
they are always eager to blow me away with mere words
But my folks have decided
that I have become a pucca Turk girl.
—
Why should I become an answer in inverted commas
About unknown riiti-rivaaj
About unpronounceable Durood Suras–
To the endless question marks on their faces?
When my shouhar doesn't assume my Dudekula-ness**
Why should I bear the stamp of asli Muslim-ness?
When poverty swallowed my dreams and hunger my time,
my childhood, spent sobbing into floor rugs,
learnt only to stitch mattresses,
Why should I grieve
over the Urdu and Arabic I didn't learn?
Ab sau baar sabke saamne chillaaoongii
haan..main Laddaafni hoon..!
Laddaafni hii rahoongii!!
My translation of the Telugu poem 'laddaafni' by Shajahana ( from the collection of poetry 'alaava: muslim samskRti kavitvam' ).
* Turk: or Turaka ( pronounced turaka ); a term used by Non-Muslims mostly, often derogatorily, for Muslims.
** Dudekula/Laddaf: community associated, traditionally, with cotton carding.
Other Urdu/Hindustani words/phrases used in the poem:
kismetwali: lucky woman/girl; pallu: loose end of the sari; rasmo-rivaaj and riiti-rivaaj: customs, rituals and traditions; shouhar: husband.